By Sharon Gordon
Johannesburg - On Tuesday we celebrate Human Rights Day. I’m always a bit torn when we have to celebrate days that should be a normal bog standard part of humanity and yet we need to be reminded daily if not annually (and I almost wrote anally) of what should be fundamental.
My problem with human rights though is that we are all VERY happy to shout about our rights but very few of us understand that with rights comes obligations. We have the right in terms of our constitution to education. Yay! But for that education you have to turn up. Listen to the classes, do the homework, respect the teacher, not stab your classmate and most definitely not bully and terrorise anybody in the school.
Tuesday also happens to be International Pleasure Rights Day. I know that this is a drum I beat more often than I should. But everybody, everywhere, all at once – has the right to pleasure.
More recently my community has been talking about the pleasure gap. Now women do not only suffer from a pay gap and promotion gap but we are also lagging far behind on the pleasure scale.
Let me explain what this pleasure gap is - The orgasm gap, or pleasure gap, is a social phenomenon referring to the general disparity between heterosexual men and women in terms of sexual satisfaction—more specifically, the unequal frequency in achievement of orgasm during sexual encounters.
We already know from our clients at Lola Montez that so many women never orgasm.
Studies have found that 39% of women regularly orgasm during sex, this is compared to 91% of men.
Women also reported less satisfaction and pleasure from sexual activity. Other research has found that heterosexual women are the least likely demographic to orgasm during sex. Similarly, Durex found that three out of four women said they can’t achieve orgasm during sex. While 30% of men said they thought the best way to help a woman orgasm is through penetrative sexual acts, over half of women said they need clitoral stimulation in order to climax.
While sex for reproductive purposes is at the core of humanity, sexual intimacy is so much more than a physical act, and this is where we often fall short especially with ourselves and in long term relationships.
Conversations about pleasure have opened up over the last few years, this #sexcolum is the perfect example. Genital anatomy, female masturbation and female pleasure are still taboo and this taboo is fuelled by a lack of conversations and truthful information.
Pleasure provides unexpected benefits. The release of endorphins and prolactin during pleasurable sex and orgasms can improve a person’s mood, relieve stress, aid sleep and foster better relationships through intimacy. If we are ashamed and stigmatized about our bodies, sexuality or fantasies, it can make communicating with partners about sex really difficult. Often because of perceived fear of embarrassment or rejection.
All these perceptions and feeling start really early and shamefully parents, you and yours, are often responsible. We have found that one of the quickest ways to narrow the pleasure gap is to discover your own pleasure first.
There is resistance to indulging in sex toys and a glaring and pervasive misconception about such pleasure objects. You just have to look at the rule and regulations covering advertising our type of businesses on any of the platforms. Believe me when I say that I am the first to be upset at porn and being explicit. I don’t think sex needs to be dirty and in your face. Adult toys being advertised do not need to be in your face genital replicas. The ban is total.
There is a misconception that sex toys need to be kept a secret…under the mattress or in the very back of the nightstand drawer under that book you never read. Why is that?
Maybe it is the pervasive cultural sex-negativity. Maybe it is our inability to accept pleasure. Maybe it is the perception that sex toys are only for people who have poor lovers or no other lovers at all.
It’s time to counter those myths and reframe those misconceptions.
I hope you are living passionately in the sex-positive world or are on your personal journey to get there. Embracing sexuality as a valued facet of self makes for healthier behaviours.
As we live in our sex-positive worlds, I hope we can all agree is that pleasure is good. We all deserve pleasure. Pleasure can be simple and easy to come by if only we surrender.
Sex toys are not compensation for something that’s missing. They are not there as replacement for a partner. For those not partnered, they are not signs of desperate times or inadequacy.
Sex toys are fun and creative, interesting and can-do things that bodies can’t do. They are shaped in ways bodies aren’t shape, cool colours, can be shared with partners, incorporated into any type of sexy session with a partner. They are simply pleasure objects you should not be without.
I’m guessing I had some of you at sex is good, some of you at pleasure is good, and maybe more of you
What if you could sleep better, have less pain, boost your immune system and even lower your risk of cancer by simply enjoying regular pleasure-filled time with yourself or a partner? It’s that easy and fun.
A key way to reframe sex toys is to realize that we do indeed value pleasure and sexual health. Sexual wellness is an essential facet of our holistic health. The more we truly embrace that fact, the easier it is to move toward welcoming sex toys as part of our overall wellness.
I will even encourage a step further: Talk to your friends about the importance of valuing sexual wellness. I realize for some this is a Herculean task, but again the more you do it, the easier it gets.
If you’re keen but not really sure how to go about it, I suggest that “ladies’ night” or “mamas’ night out” be a field trip together to our gorgeous boutique in Hyde Park.
And for those of you doing all this fun stuff already, keep up the great work!
Have fun exploring and shopping knowing pleasure is good and you will be happier and healthier for it! Join and promote the pleasure rights revolution. Enjoy!